Appendix D Biographical Profiles C [1]: Male transsexual. Age sixty-seven. Operated upon at age fifty-eight. Now successfully living as a woman.

C was born in London in the autumn of 1899 to Jewish parents. He was the eleventh of thirteen children and was "supposed to be the last." At the time of C's birth, the father was forty-one and the mother thirty-three.

The father was a fur merchant whose business was alternately good and bad. He wanted to be a writer, not a businessman, and only the mother's drive and perseverance prevented bankruptcy. The father, though fluent in English, wrote only in Yiddish. Eventually he published several novels and had plays produced, but he never succeeded in earning a living or gaining much recognition as a writer.

The father was an accomplished raconteur who could hold friends spellbound with his storytelling. Although a less dominant personality than his wife, he was accepted by the family as head of the household. The wife supported him in this, since both believed that such was the husband's proper role. The father may have had slight transvestite tendencies, since he would put on women's hats and mince about to entertain female guests.

The first child born to this couple was abnormal. Studied by scientists, she was declared at the age of two to "have the brain of an adult."

The child died in her third year, a German specialist having predicted the death on the ground that "her brain was developing too fast for her body." The brain was removed and preserved at a university. This child had given extraordinary answers to questions put to her by medical and other examiners.

The family included two sets of twins. Of the first set, a boy and a girl, the latter died at birth. All the surviving siblings, up to the birth of C, were and have remained normal. However, the last set of twins, a boy and a girl, born after C are "abnormal, perverted, degenerate sex fiends" - C's description. Both are described as having become extremely promiscuous at an early age. The male twin has been married six times. Once, when their mother was visiting him, he lifted up his wife's skirts and performed cunnilingus on her in his mother's presence. This brother liked to urge the other siblings to "go out and get yourselves screwed like I do." He would often proclaim his preference for cunnilingus over coitus. His twin sister was similarly outspoken and has had a great many affairs which she has never made any effort to conceal.

The mother, who had made up her mind that C was to be her last child, rejected these twins completely. C was her pet, and she could scarcely bring herself to acknowledge that the twins existed. The mother had thought that she was already into her menopause when the twins were conceived. She supposedly had reached a "premature menopause" after marrying at fifteen and producing the first eleven children within sixteen or seventeen years.

When he was about five, an older sister advised C that he was "too pretty to be a boy and wear boys' clothes." She dressed him as a girl and repeated this behavior whenever the mother and father were away from the home. She took him for walks while he was dressed as a girl.

Also at age five, C had diphtheria and for nine weeks hovered between life and death.

At six, he persuaded the sister closest to his own age to exchange clothing with him. He says that he remembers thinking: "Maybe I'm really a girl and nobody knows it." The practice of exchanging clothing with this sister continued for several years.

As a child (although not as an adult), C displayed a marked effeminacy. He avoided other boys and wanted to play only with girls. His behavior alarmed his father, who attempted to force him to participate in boys' games. When C refused, the father would become angry and strike him. The mother would take C's side, declaring that he would "grow out of it."

Going to school frightened him, but eventually he got used to it. Other boys "instinctively" disliked him. He had long curly hair and looked like a girl, even when dressed as a boy. The other boys would pull his hair and make fun of him. Sometimes C was beaten by his classmates. He could never bring himself to resist, but would stand and cry. His passivity and obvious fear of other boys encouraged them to torment him.

As his thirteenth birthday approached, C expected to be confirmed in the traditional Jewish manner, but his father refused to allow it on the ground of his effeminacy. This was a crushing blow. When his birthday arrived, C felt deeply ashamed and humiliated. He cried all night.

At fourteen, he put on his sister's clothes, lay down on his bed, and for the first time felt as if he had a vagina and breasts. He fantasied a male lover kissing and making love to him. He thought that when he arose from the bed, be would be a girl. The penis would have disappeared. When it did not disappear, he began a long series of attempts to "will away" his male organs.

He had a talent for mathematics and wanted to study accounting. He was considered an above-average student. However, his schooling ended when he was fifteen and he went to work for one of his father's friends who was also in the fur business.

At this place of employment, C says, he was sexually assaulted. Working late one night, he was overpowered by a boy and girl who were his co-workers and forced to have relations with both of them. He reported this incident to his father, the police were called in, and C's two assailants each received five-year prison sentences. The girl died after two years in prison; the boy served out his term.

At sixteen, C increasingly indulged his desire to dress as a girl. By this time, although he remained his mother's favorite, he was almost completely rejected by his father. There is some evidence to suggest that the father was sexually attracted to C and rejected him mainly on that account. The father several times told him, after seeing him wearing makeup and women's clothing: "You look just like your mother did when she was young." The father would fly into a rage whenever be caught C dressed as a girl.

Without his family knowing about it, C occasionally would go out at night dressed as a girl. Once, he was picked up by a boy who kissed him and held his hand. It was C's first romance. The two continued to meet until, after several months, the boy proposed marriage. C then was obliged to admit the truth, and while the boy was sympathetic, the relationship ended.

On other occasions, also while dressed as a girl, C was picked up by other men. There was no homosexual intercourse, but some goodnight kisses. He wanted to have sex with these men, but only if he could have it as a woman - that is, with a vagina.

Also at sixteen, he went to the family physician and asked that his male organs be removed. The physician was sympathetic, but called in the mother and father for a conference. The father, when told about his son's request, gave the boy a severe beating.

At age seventeen, C left London for New York, where a brother had established a business. The brother, despite some initial objections, soon permitted C to dress as a girl and sometimes took his "sister" along with him to parties.

In 1918, C succeeded in enlisting in the U.S. Army. He wanted to make a man of myself." However, military life proved intolerable and, with the help of one of his sisters, he deserted. (After serving again in World War II, he admitted this desertion and was not punished.)

In 1919, he was arrested for the first time for masquerading as a woman. He was arrested for this same offense on three subsequent occasions. Only once was he brought into court, and then he was able to avoid a jail sentence.

Shortly after this initial arrest, C once again visited a doctor and requested that his male organs be removed. The physician refused, and C then made the first of several rather half-hearted attempts at self-castration (cut slightly into his scrotum with a razor blade).

In 1921, C returned to London. His father, who was ill, died in the same year. He stayed on to help his mother with the business, but the responsibility made him extremely ill-tempered and he would fly into rages. However, times were good and the business prospered in spite of his bad relations with employees.

About this time, he met another man who also aspired to become a woman and who, like C, rejected any thought of being homosexual or engaging in homosexual practices. This man knew of a doctor in Italy who would remove the male organs. They planned to go to Italy together, but a bizarre series of events prevented C from making the trip. In 1923, he met a girl to whom he felt himself to be attracted physically. She was seventeen. Under pressure from his mother, he became engaged to this girl and discovered that he could kiss her and enjoy the experience. Late in the year, the two were married.

Their first night together was the beginning of a disastrous relationhip. After an hour of love play, he had not managed to achieve an erection. The room was dark and he left the bed and put on his wife's silk slip. He lay on his back and had her get on top of him. In this way, he was able to consummate the marriage, and his wife "was too young and inexperienced to find anything strange about our physical union."

Soon, however, the wife began to object to these practices; but intercourse was impossible under any other conditions. They had relations sporadically for about three years, C always lying underneath, wearing some item of feminine apparel, and fantasying that he was the woman, his wife the man. It was up to her to be the aggressor and initiate the activity. He could not function otherwise.

At the end of three years, sexual intercourse ceased completely and was never resumed. During that time, however, a son and a daughter were born.

The wife's intense sexual frustration and her inability to accept her husband's transvestism and his claims of being a woman made the marriage one of perpetual conflict. Later, the children also strongly opposed their father's transvestism; but he insisted upon wearing women's clothing around the house and sometimes went out for walks in this attire.

Yet somehow the marriage survived all the stresses and strains for more than thirty years, and was finally terminated only after a preliminary operation (removal of testicles and penis) had ended once and for all the necessity for C to go on living as a male.

During the long years of his marriage, almost the sole source of sexual gratification for C was intercourse with an artificial man which he constructed. This artificial man was a dummy and was equipped with a "penis" that had a piece of wood inside to make it "erect." The dummy was tied close against C's body to create the illusion of a tight embrace. The artificial man's penis was placed between C's thighs and he would make female-like pelvic movements, resulting in his reaching orgasm in about two minutes. During these "copulations" C would be totally unconscious of his own penis and would feel himself to have a vagina which the penis of the artificial man was penetrating. He thinks his own penis was probably erect during these episodes, but claims not to know for certain. C describes his relations with the artificial man in his autobiography, I Am a Woman:

Saturday, when I was alone in the house, was my special day, the time for my secret ritual. May [his wife] left early for her office. She put in a half day on Saturday and then went shopping or gave herself a treat. It was her afternoon to spend as she liked, just as it was mine.

After sending Barby [his daughter] and Paul [his son] out to play, or to a movie, I'd sail into my household tasks. Then, alone in the apartment, I first took a long, luxurious shower. Then step by step I followed my ceremony of adornment. No inamorata made more elaborate preparations for the arrival of her cavalier. Before a long mirror I put on fresh, silken undergarments, ineluding a brassiére, padded most carefully of course. By now I was quite an artist with makeup, which I applied exactingly and topped with a wig, becomingly arranged. The rest of the procedure was little changed from the way it had begun back in the London days, when my brother Leo discovered me on my bed.

On one of these Saturdays I was struck by a new inspiration. Why not create a more tangible lover? I gathered all the old clothing I could find. Then taking a man's shirt, trousers, jacket, I formed the mass into a male figure. It was some weeks before I was satisfied with my creation. At last he was complete, quite complete. I had made an artificial man, who would make love to me.

The following Saturday I went about my preparations with growing excitement. I dressed for my role with particular care. With adhesive tape I produced the effect of a vagina on my own body. My inanimate partner was correspondingly equipped. The radio was tuned to a station that played soaring music.

I tied my hands around the artificial man, so he was held tight against me. Now, when I closed my eyes, the picture grew vividly real. The first experience was very successful, more complete than anything I'd known before. This was the beginning of a long association with the artificial man who came to life every Saturday, week after week for many years.

One evening, following such a session, May got home just before six o'clock. Barby and Paul had come in and were playing in their room. I was at the stove preparing supper. May sniffed appreciatively at the odor of the cooking.

"Smells good," she said. "What are you making?"

"Look and see," I said, as she came close to the stove. I took off a pot cover to show her what was inside.

She caught sight of my wrist. I had tied the cord of the artificial man rather tight that afternoon.

May took hold of my arm. "Ralph, what is that?"

"I don't know. Nothing at all."

"This isn't the first time I've seen those marks on your wrists." She took up my other arm, looked at it, and let it fall. "I see them every Saturday. What are you doing to yourself?"

I tried to pass it off with: "It's probably the mark of an elastic. I find them on the floor of the children's room."

"You're not fooling me. You're doing something you shouldn't be doing. You're a degenerate."

"What kind of talk is that?"

"I'm going to find out what it is one of these days," she threw over her shoulder as she left the kitchen.

May worried me at times like that. I was deathly afraid of her discovering my secret. If she had, I don't know what I would have done.

Another time, I had just retired with the artificial man when the doorbell rang. It was a friend dropping in for a visit. I was upset by the interruption. Almost immediately after the caller left, May arrived. I was on edge, because of my frustration. She noticed it at once.

"What are you so bothered about?" she inquired. "Did your sweetheart turn you down today?"

I wondered what she meant by that. She couldn't possibly have been referring to the artificial man. I'd always insisted on having a closet to myself. I'd hidden it there very carefully. There was a small trunk at the back of my closet. Over it there were large boxes full of stamps. For years I was a stamp collector. Beneath all that on the floor of the closet, so tucked away that it was quite a chore to unearth him, lay the artificial man.

If May had ever found him, I'd probably have killed myself.

Many transsexuals have, in a sense, two identities, male and female, but this should not be confused with those cases of dual or multiple personality described in the psychiatric literature. Rather, the two identities are a practical, if strange, way of dealing with a real problem: the male identity which the individual is often obliged to assume in his contacts with others, and the female identity which he believes to be his true one, and which he assumes in private or when dressed as a woman.

In C's case, the problem was formulated by him as Ralph = male = body; Clara = female = mind. Between these two, a dialogue would often be conducted, again as is not uncommon among transsexuals. Today, Clara remarks that "Ralph is now (since the operation) dead. Poor Ralph, he tried so hard to make a go of it." Ralph had "tried to be a man, but was always a woman." Clara, in those days, "was a woman, but was deformed by being trapped in the body of a man." Whenever Ralph would put on women's clothing, Clara would "take over completely" and Ralph would "cease to exist." Yet, Clara was always aware of Ralph's existence and dreaded the moment when she would have to yield to Ralph again - that is, have to go back to pretending to be a man and perform a man's functions in the world. Ralph always lived only for the moment when Clara could again take over and the painful pretense could end, at least for a time. When the transsexual is operated upon, this dichotomy and dialogue is finally ended, so that it may be said that an integration has been achieved.

Today, nine years after surgery, C has been living for about six years in a relationship with a man who is separated from his wife but cannot obtain a divorce for religious reasons. He is completely satisfied with the results of his operation. The artificial vagina, after about the first nine months, has functioned beyond all expectations. C claims multiple orgasms with his common-law husband, a very jealous man about fifteen years C's junior, who has no idea that his wife was formerly a man.

C is successfully employed and has been so employed ever since his operation. He gets along well with his co-workers, who have never questioned that C is a normal woman. He has no wish to confess his past, either to his lover or to friends. He would not want a relationship with a man who knew about his transformation. For a time, C associated with two other sex changes, but has broken off the relationships because he has no need for them and is fearful the others might give away his secret.

Physicians and psychiatrists had several times opposed surgery in this case because they feared that C would not be convincing as a woman. This, however, is not the case. C gives an impression of great vitality and is as attractive as the average woman of around sixty (although he is sixty-five). His hands and arms are somewhat large, his voice is a little deep, but these facts are not sufficient to destroy the illusion of femininity.

Previous to becoming a woman, C shared to some extent the common transsexual idealization of women. However, working with women, and sharing their intimate conversations about their inner thoughts and desires, has produced a more realistic attitude. C thinks that the real fulfillment for a woman, and woman's crowning achievement, is to bear children; and this childbearing capacity is the only thing missing to make C completely a woman. He also says that he knows be has a male skeleton, but accepts the fact that "I can hardly expect them to take my bones out piece by piece."

With the very few persons who know about his background, C seeks reassurances that his appearance is really feminine. He tends to exaggerate his own attractiveness and cites numerous compliments concerning his appearance that he claims to have received from other women. On the whole, however, he is much happier and better adjusted than he ever was before his operation, has never for one moment regretted becoming a woman, and would very probably have committed suicide had he been unable to make the change.
  

Footnotes

[1] See also the selection from this patient's autobiography, beginning on page 217[Appendix D, When the transsexual marries].