XVI Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association Symposium
17 - 21 August 1999, London

Reflections on "Transsexualism and Sex Reassignment" 1969 -1999

Anatomy of Gender Relationships: Can this ‘Marriage’ Be Saved?

Wheeler, Connie Christine, Ph.D., and Schaefer, Leah Cahan, Ed.D. Private Practice, New York City

Transsexual and transgender marital couples have too frequently felt pressured by society, by family members, by their own fears and desire to fit in, and by professional health care providers as well, to abandon their marital relationship as the process of gender exploration and transition becomes more apparent. Gender relationships begin with a dilemma that is always the same—fear of impact and consequences. Within the gender person, sever emotional conflicts and dilemmas, which begin long before coupling and which last throughout the course of the relationship, are typified primarily by the aforementioned dilemma "To tell or Not to tell"— thus, the establishment of patterns of marital misunderstandings. It is extremely difficult, painful in fact, to live with a condition that either must be kept secret from everyone, or explained to everyone. When and how information is introduced into the relationship sets the tone for all that follows, including the quality of erotic functioning, family life and parenting children.

This research, based on a random sample of "gender couples" (N=30) seen between 1989 and 1999, addresses the kinds of issues and adaptations within the relationship required for a gender person living with a spouse, as well as the kinds of issues and adaptations in the ‘coupleship’ required for a spouse living with a gender person. Such issues include social perceptions, seemingly insurmountable obstacles and sabotage when acting out fears, compatible goals, and changes in expressed commitments.

The conflicts that require the cooperation and compromise of staying together involve issues that appear to be completely unsolvable and unresolvable—or without solution or resolution. Psychotherapy treatment and marital therapy for couples learning how to live with a gender condition focuses on reducing the impairment of quality of life in the relationship caused by distrust and discord and ignorance. Some paramount concepts must be introduced into the relationship: for instance, the need for mutual education of the nature of transgenderism, the recognition that both members of the couple experience pain and unhappiness and disillusionment if the relationship disintegrates and discontinues and, very importantly that both members must share in the sacrifices required to achieve measures of equality.