XVII Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association Symposium
31 October - 4 November 2001, Galveston, Texas, U.S.A.

The Children Left Behind

RISEN, CANDACE U.S.A.

In an effort to suppress their painful inner cross-gender feelings, males with GID may chose to marry and father and raise children. When the cross-gender longings return, often stronger than earlier in life, their cross-gender expressions are usually at tremendous odds with their wife’s wishes and her view of the needs of their children. When mental health professionals evaluate the social functioning of these men, little attention is paid to the children because the patient often reports, and genuinely believes, that they he is doing fine. But this portrayal of the children is distorted by at least three factors: 1) Narcissistic self-preoccupation with gender expression; 2) Need to present to the therapist a glowing picture of the new life style in order to obtain approval for hormones or surgery; 3) The defense of denial. Later, when the destructive impact on the children breaks through his denial, the father’s emotional pain can be devastating. The loss of the former father-child relationship – sometimes a permanent extrusion of the father from the children – may eventually create an insurmountable regret and despair for the patient with GID. This presentation will use examples form the lives of two male-to-female transsexual fathers, one a divorced parent of eight and fifteen-year-old sons who wished to begin the real life test, the other, a divorced parent of six and eleven-year-old daughters, who has been living as a woman for three years. The recurrent parental issues among fathers who have GID seem to focus on five questions: 1) Whether and when to disclose; 2) How much to say; 3) Whether to expose the children to and include them in the new lifestyle; 4) Whether to "leave town" to protect them from the stigma; 5) What to expect in the future as the children grow into adolescence and adulthood. Better scrutiny of these five child-centered issues during the evaluation and psychotherapeutic work with fathers with GID may prevent some of the negative consequences on the patient, his children, and his former or current spouse.